Updated: Feb 25, 2019
The Road To Finding Myself
I remember the day I took this image, I was on my way to work and I saw the sun attempting to come out.
I looked into the sky and I asked God to help me -help me get away. I was asking God for a way out of a job that I did not want to be at. Here's the thing, my actions and my heart were speaking two different languages. I went to work every day, never took a sick day and always did overtime.
I would receive praise from my supervisors and consistently applied for and received promotions but, in my heart, this was not it. The crazy thing is as much as I hated it is as much as I liked it but, it always felt like I was operating in someone else's shoes. The feeling of being in someone else's shoes can have a strange effect, for me in hindsight I realized was not be myself so, I created someone else. I wore the real me like a second skin only to be revealed to the those closest to me. I never found people I could trust or really be myself with and, as I write this my spirit is speaking to me and telling me why.
Ok, let's take a break so you can understand what kind of person you are dealing with. I am writing this blog from a very real place. I need to heal and grow and cannot afford to stay in this bubble. Because this is a work in progress, this blog will go to many places. The great thing is as I cleanse the revelations from the God Almighty speak to my soul and tells me to keep going. Please bear with me as I jump around and find my footsteps. Seriously, why should I go to therapy and have someone else write my story when I can let God drive me through this vehicle called blogging. OK, back to the story.
Once I heard Iyanla Vanzant say when you don't show up as who you really are - you will not attract real people because they don't know who they are meeting. I used to wonder why I could not form any real attachments or relationships, I was always friendly but, nothing that lasts longer than the walk to my car. The thought of this used to make me so sad but, as I write this a revelation comes. I didn't have a spiritual home and I can't invite people into a friendship with an empty spirit. This revelation makes me think back, When was I my real self? When did my spirit home and my everyday actions merge into who I know as the real me? When did I really feel like OK, this is me? I thought I knew that answer but, I really don't. so, now another question, when was I my true self? When was the last time that I felt complete and happy?
I am sitting here scrolling through the memories of my life. In my mind, I clearly remember peace. I know I've had many moments when my actions and thoughts merged when I felt me tell myself, I like you and, even in the saddest moments I've felt like I was in touch with the real part of me. What I didn't realize is how far and how long I'd let myself get away from me and, I didn't realize it until I wasn't there anymore. So, several years and many mistakes later I am here. Here is where the dreams are still unrealized, where the vision of accomplishments lay dormant and, life-changing love is not fulfilled.